Tuesday, July 10, 2018

New Beginning

It's been four months since my last post. It's been four months since I was able to come to grips with my reality and say the words that I used to dread. I finally accepted my new status. I finally accepted my new reality. I finally feel unashamed of what I just went through.

I'm not going to let the devil keep me from being used by God because of the shift that has taken place. The shift that I am referring to is being a single mom, again. I'm not a single mom again because I'm pregnant but because I'm going through my second divorce. Yes, I said second.

Don't worry, there isn't anything you can say about me that I haven't said about myself. The shame I felt at the beginning of this hard, life-changing decision was overwhelming. I felt like a zombie going to work, taking care of the kids, then going to sleep. The going to sleep part would usually be me sobbing secretly in my pillow until I started dreaming.
Divorce in itself is hard but going through it a second time? I felt like such a failure at life. I felt like I failed my ex-husband because I couldn't live up to his standards enough to make him want to be with me. I felt like I failed our kids for not keeping our family together. I put it all on my shoulders.

The thought of suicide crossed my mind. It wouldn't be the first time I attempted it but I knew that if I tried it this time there wouldn't be any coming back from it. 'I would think do I really want to end my life? Is my life really over because I'm getting a divorce for a second time?'

The answer, I discovered, was no. God used two people to tell me my life wasn't over because I was getting a second divorce. One of the persons had fought her own battle of going through a second divorce. Her testimony encouraged me. The second person I went to her house warming and it turned into a praise session where the ladies spoke into my life. God sent angels to help through this phase. I started listening to sermons. The sermon that I listened to over and over was Sarah Jakes-Roberts, "Unleashed." In the sermon she talks about God unleashing people to do His will.

I knew it was time for me to put my life into God's hands, again. Besides, I was tired of fighting. I had to let it go on my side of things and accept a divorce. I've learned so much (I'll post later in other blogs). The most important thing in this season is to not be afraid of a shift in your life. While the shift is happening, stay close to God because people will give you their opinions and what you should do, but at the end of the day, it's your life. Listen to God first. If God says let it go, then let it go. If God says stay, then stay.  Don't let others judge you or try to make you feel bad about your decision, especially if you heard clearly from God about what you should do.

I'm not going to stop writing and speaking. God's anointing hasn't left me because of the mistake I made. I believe that this shift is going to increase the power He has placed in me to be used by Him even more. I thank you all for being patient with me during this shift. I'm finally settled in my new status. This is a new beginning for me and it is my winning season.

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